I've never really spoken about my post natal anxiety (PNA) in great detail before. I actually never really knew I had it until after Raffy, my second child was born, but it was definitely in full swing when Stevie was born. I didn't really know anything about PNA after child birth, I had only really heard of post natal depression in which I knew I didn't have (or at least I thought I didn't) because I didn't feel depressed. I was happy most of the time, I felt happy, I was just on edge and stressed about motherhood - but hey, isn't that normal? Or at least I thought.
I feel like the reason I have been closed off about talking about my anxiety and post natal anxiety in general is because I have had so many moments where I have tried to explain something to someone and they just don't seem to understand, or the comments they have said to me, just made me feel worse or stupid, or even criticized, which is so heartbreaking when you feel like your breaking down the walls of vulnerability, so I thought it was easier to just keep it in and just deal with it. Its only now that I've realized the importance of talking to a professional, someone that actually understands and has studied mental health/illness, psychology and the human brain, that can help offer you the professional support and guidance you need. Its never too late to seek help.
For those that don't know much about anxiety or feel like they may be experiencing it themselves, post natal anxiety, or generalized anxiety disorder (gad) is a mental health disorder that sees the person have an uncontrollable, excessive and unrealistic worry, stress and tension without reason.
The symptoms include A sudden feeling of panic and fear, trouble thinking about anything other than the present "worry", restlessness, uneasiness, nausea or cramps, sleep- related problems – excessive sleep or sleeplessness, cold or sweaty hands or feet, numbness in the hands or feet, shortness of breath or rapid breathing (hyperventilating), increased heart rate, chest pain, dry mouth, hot flashes or chills, sudden trembling or dizziness. Feeling nervous, restless or tense.
Anxiety can be mild or severe, you can develop many symptoms or only a couple. It can be caused by, stress that can result from work, school, personal relationships, emotional trauma, financial concerns, stress caused by a chronic or serious medical condition, A major event or performance, side effect of certain medications, alcohol consumption and some drugs and even excessive caffeine (yes I have had several anxiety attacks due to caffeine overload- hence my coffee order is always weak)
I think some of the main reasons why people don't understand anxiety disorders is because they have never experienced it before so they cant understand it, it seems so over the top and unrealistic to even take seriously and they think it can be something that's easily just switched off. They assume you can just "not worry" about something. Unfortunately that's not correct, and a very ignorant view, its similar to thinking that someone with depression can simply "not be sad".
When I was in the midst of my post natal anxiety, I was constantly worrying about how much sleep the baby had, if she was sleeping too long, why wasn't she sleeping at the times she was meant to be sleeping. I almost became controlled by everything the baby did, I could barely leave the house in the early stages. I couldn't even sleep properly because I was so worried the baby monitor would go flat in the night and I wouldn't hear her cry. (Me not hearing the children is still a worry for me that I sleep with my door half open, and their rooms aren't even far from mine)
I also crept around the house like it was filled with grenades, too scared to make any noise, and when I was driving in the car with the radio on, I only ever had it set to a specific volume, I couldn't go higher or lower. Her routines (and mine) were extremely ridged and I wouldn't dare stray from them. From memory it settled down a bit after she turned 1-2 years old.
When my second Raffy was born, it was a little different, as I had a toddler to look after as well, and Raffy was a terrible sleeper, token catnaper and I spent a lot of time driving him around the streets because that's the only way I could get him to take a long sleep, while I sometimes enjoyed an average McDonalds coffee (anyone relate). Being an autumn newborn, pretty much meant he was a winter baby so it was a lot harder to get out and about for walks. Im the type where the sky has be at least partly blue for me to want to get out and walk.
I do vividly remember a time I was driving around with both kids in the car, I was about 6 weeks post partum, I was tired, I was emotional, my mum had recently passed away, I was thinking to myself "how long am I going to do this for, am I going to have to do this every dam day, why wont he just sleep in his cot, I don't think I can mentally do this every day" As I was driving along a quiet stretch of road out in the forest I remember thinking "Maybe it would be best if I just crashed my car into a tree", and I thought about, in a long daze, about what would happen if I did actually do that.
In the minutes after this moment, it was like my mind snapped back to reality from its subconscious state and I remember thinking, "I cant believe I actually thought about that and visualized it happening" When I got home I rang the doctors clinic and made an appointment straight away because I thought I must of had post natal depression. During my 20's I had battled depression and was medicated, and was even hospitalized at one point for mental health, so I knew it was something I had to get onto straight away, especially with now having children involved. When I spoke to a doctor about it (he was my previous doctor before children) in a very long consult, it turned out I didn't have it - I don't exactly know how he knew I didn't, it must of just been based on everything I talked about, I was just subconsciously dealing with a lot of trauma and family issues around my mums death. But I must say, even talking to a professional for that hour, helped me so much, sometimes you just need someone who wholeheartedly listens without judgement and comes from a place of understanding and support.
Unfortunately for me, somewhere during the post natal anxiety stage, I guess it just turned into plain anxiety, or GAD, generalised anxiety disorder, which I live with currently and its very common for this to develop from PNA. It was quite bad when both the kids were younger, and it manifested itself into a whole heap of medical issues for myself, such us being ran down, constantly tired, not being able to sleep properly, having cystic acne breakouts, I remember developing a chest infection which turned into pneumonia at one point. I was constantly on edge trying to keep up with absolutely everything, the demands that never seemed to stop, or that I could never feel I was getting on top of, being a working, studying mum with little support.
Guys, being a mum is a tough gig, even if your not a mum, the stresses of everyday life can sometimes be overwhelming. Yes some people find motherhood a breeze, some people have no troubles at all, but others struggle. Not every single mother and human on earth is identical, which means every individuals experiences in life will be different. Some people will have a huge support network around them and others will have none. Maybe the ones with support networks will struggle and maybe the ones with no support will be fine. Mental illness doesn't discriminate. As the saying goes, always just be kind because you never know what someone else is going through and when someone is talking to about their problems and opening up to you, "Listen to understand and not to respond" So many people sit there listening waiting to give answers or responses instantly, but you know what? Ask questions? Are you okay? How are you handling things at the moment? Is there anything I can do to take the pressure off" or even just empathizing "I'm so sorry your feeling like this, it must be difficult" You have no idea how a small gesture like that can help someone so much.
In 2018 I saw my doctor because my anxiety had gotten quite bad, I was going through a lot of personal things and wanted to start taking medication to get on top of it, but from the doctor just listening to me, she didnt think it would be the best option (based on medication having its own set of side effects, and me wanting to be holistic as possible) she wrote me a referral for a mental health care plan and thought the help of a psychologist would be much more beneficial for me. It was really good having someone to listen to and help me through some of my tough stages that I was dealing with, and kind of validate how I was feeling.
I do wish I had of known about more resources when I was in my post natal stage, and something that I could have related to a bit more. I have actually come across this page on Instagram which I feel like shares a lot about post natal anxiety and makes you feel less alone and is ran by Dr Ream, a clinical psychologist who specializes in perinatal mental health (@psychedmommy)
Please remember if you are struggling with your Mental Health or suffering from a mental illness, you are not alone. There is support out there, and the more we talk about it, normalize it, and reduce the stigma around it, the more people can feel supported and less isolated.
Help is available in Australia and some of these organisations are amazing at giving you the help and support you need.
PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Aus) - 1300 726 306
BEYOND BLUE - 1300 22 4636
BUTTERFULY FOUNDATION- 1800 33 4673
LIFELINE - 13 11 14
SUICIDE CALL BACK SERVICE - 1300 659 467
Thankyou for reading. All information is based on my personal experience and does not replace that of a qualified medical practitioner.
Bree xx
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